08-31-26 12:35 PM

01.

It’s been awhile since I wrote a diary entry! Nearly three months to be exact (although I’ve made other posts here and there in the meantime).

My wife, Jem, visited from the UK for most of July. The week after she left, my work schedule switched from four 10 hour shifts back to five 8 hour shifts, so I had to adjust to that on top of being without her. A couple weeks after that school started and I went back to second shift.¹ So I’m only just now finally getting settled enough to reflect on everything.

02.

Outside of Jem leaving the toughest thing I’ve been struggling with is work. My coworkers are all super blue collar, salt of the earth type people. Which is fine—I just don’t fit in at all, lol.

The guy who trained me all summer put in a good word for me with the higher ups which was nice of him. But he also kept trying to rile me up into debates and banter, always saying that I’m too nice. At one point he said that I don’t have a backbone, lol.

It made me feel pretty shitty. I feel like I failed some weird hazing ritual or test of masculinity. I got the sense that people were talking about me before I even started because I’m trans. It’s just the sort of thing you get a sense for after awhile. I never bring it up myself because it’s not really anybody’s business and it’s not something I “advertise” for lack of a better term.

I used to think I passed pretty well but now I’m not sure. Spending the entire summer under a magnifying glass got me second-guessing everything. Jem said I pass fine and not to let these guys get to me but I can’t help but worry.

For the past few years I felt pretty secure in my masculinity and passing. At my old job I got on really well with all the guys. But the demographics of fast food works and custodians/maintenance guys are farther apart than I anticipated. Also, the dudes I got on with the best at work were pretty autistic lol.²

This was my first experience with a “man’s man” since transitioning. Part of me feels like I should’ve the backbone I was apparently missing and—well, I don’t know.

That’s the thing. This sort of stuff is so foreign to me. I think it’s all kind of dumb. I don’t even know how to respond. I feel bad, sure, but puffing my chest and going all aggro doesn’t appeal to me.

I’m not sure if resisting these bribes for machismo is evidence of strength or weakness. Does it mean that I’m a pushover or that I’m resilient?

I kept thinking of a common Buddhist analogy of bamboo. Bamboo is strong but flexible. It survives by bending under pressure and never breaks. Its resiliency lies in its elasticity—its capacity to adapt.

I just looked it up and the full proverb goes something like this:

The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.

Whenever I felt angry at myself for not adequately responding to my coworker, I played it out in my head and realized that it’s all just for show. My retaliation would be fruitless. It wouldn’t “prove” anything of importance. I’d just be propagating a cycle of superficial showmanship and bullshit. Maybe I’m looking into things too much and just need to loosen up, but I find it difficult engaging with people in this kind of way. I’m all for joking around, but if you only socialize through animosity I don’t think that’s very sustainable or nice for anybody.

The experience has been a lesson in ego for sure. I’ve walked away from it with the teaching that internal values are to be prioritized over my external reputation. If that makes me a pussy ass bitch and not a real man, so be it I guess.

I’ve already gone through hell transitioning to get where I am today. Sometimes I feel like I was braver when I was younger and early in my transition. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there when you’re mentally, physically, and emotionally in-between everything.

Once you get to the other side there’s all sorts of norms and things you have to keep up with, and it’s hard to tell where your own decisions end and other people’s expectations begin. I guess it’s just something you learn as you go along and encounter situations like this.

So I’m learning—learning how to be my own kind of man. And at the very least I know I don’t want to be the kind of man who partakes in any of this stuff.

03.

Outside of work I’ve been trying to optimize my home life. I found a new sense of security and consistency after moving out of my mom’s place and I want to take advantage of it.

This apartment is the first place that really feels like my own. I rented a house with Jem a couple years ago, but felt like I was borrowing from the homeowner rather than properly renting it out and making it mine.

I’ve started by going full minimalist. I’ve been really interested in minimalist living and floor living. I had to splurge a bit to buy some new stuff which hurt because I have a lot of financial anxiety right now. But it was definitely worth the cost. Being able to leave almost all of my furniture back at my mom’s and moving in totally on my own was great.³ Jem a week after I moved in and helped make the place feel more homey.

I plan on making a proper blog post once I’ve fully settled in. There’s still some stuff I need to get from my mom’s and bits and bobs to tie everything together before then.

As of right now though, I’ve got:

• A futon mattress on the floor
• Two “convertible” floor chairs with legs that can fold-out
• A floor desk/table where I eat, watch movies, write, draw, etc
• Two outdoor patio pillows I got on sale from Walmart that act as pillow/meditation cushions
• A yoga mat
• A folding TV dinner “side table” in my living room
• A small cabinet I got from Goodwill that I use to hold my tech, music, DVDs, radio, and small Buddhist altar
• A hanging clothes organizer that I use to store undergarments etc; everything else hangs in my closet
• A dirty laundry bag that hangs off my closet door

And that’s it!

As someone who grew up with a hoarder parent it’s been incredibly liberating. Cleaning is so easy too. I still need to bring in a couple small tables and my TV from my mom’s. Jem and I also want to invest in some sort of boneless sofa or second futon for the living room.

But besides that I’m pretty happy with how the apartment is so far! Cleaning is so easy and I feel a huge sense of calm. Like I said, I still need to get some things from my mom’s. No matter how much I parse down I still feel like I’ve got too much stuff lol. I’ll do another purge once I’m fully settled.

Here are some random pics from around the apartment:

A view of the living room when everything is clean and put away.

Setting up a nice spot for breakfast with Marley.

Here’s the desk all set up.

Marley and Charlie like the new digs!

This is the cabinet I bought from Goodwill, I love it so much!

Close up view of my stereo and small altar.

The view out the window is really nice, especially on rainy days.

04.

I’ve also been doing a lot more cooking. I recently discovered how cheap stuff is at Aldi and feel dumb for buying from Kroger for years. I get most of my staples at Aldi now and special vegan items from Walmart.

I switched to dried products like beans and rice. I also got my first rice cooker and OH MY GOD I had no clue rice could be so yummy at home!! I wish I would’ve gotten one ages ago. I am never cooking instant rice in a pot again lol.

I’ve been trying out different meal prep ideas too. Mostly pastas and wraps at the moment. I’ve also been making an insane amount of pan-fried tofu and rice.

I’ll post more about specific recipes etc once I’ve got them locked in. My latest experiment is scrambled tofu, tater tots, and cheese breakfast wraps.

Here are some pictures from the kitchen:

Frying up tofu (before I got my rice cooker lol).

Here it is all done!

Some pasta I made too.

A full pantry courtesy of Aldi (and to a lesser extent, Walmart)!

My rice cooker!!!!! <333

05.

I’m trying to save money but I allow myself a Goodwill visit once or twice a month. I don’t need more clothes myself, although sometimes I look for flannels/sweaters/ballcaps for Jem. Now I mostly just look for knickknacks that might be useful around the apartment and CDs/DVDs.

I started collecting CDs three years ago when I started driving. I’ve amassed a small collection now. In keeping with minimalism, I limit myself to what I can fit in my cool as fuck retro wood-panel CD drawer. I also copped two small CD shelves from work that would’ve otherwise been thrown in the trash.

I only started buying DVDs more recently. I figured if I buy CDs I might as well get into movies. That and I’m trying to pirate less as part of my Buddhist practice.

Again, this is a whole post in itself, but not stealing is one of the five major precepts. At one point I thought I’d never be able to follow even the “no intoxicants” precept. Here I am three years sober and off nicotine. So not stealing shouldn’t be too hard either. This is strictly a spiritual practice on my part and my own personal choice. I still think piracy is worthwhile especially from an archival standpoint and I don’t think less of anyone who does it.

Anyways I’ve managed to find some good movies, or at least movies that I think are good, lol. All I have to play them on is the external disk drive I originally bought to rip my CDs. Once I get my TV to the apartment I’ll save up for a Blu-ray/DVD player since most modern stuff is only on Blue-ray anymore. I plan on making a page for my physical media collection at some point so list everything I have so far!

Three CDs I bought at Goodwill recently.

I’m obsessed with Shaman by Santana in particular. It’s so fun and groovy and an upbeat album. A really great mix of different artists and music genres too. My favorite tracks are The Game of Love, Since Supernatural, and Sideways but I love them all depending on the day. It’s a great album to put on when I’m just chilling at home.

Listening to Shaman at the library, where I wrote the first half of this post.

I also ordered WILD by KATSEYE! I got the Target exclusive Megan version. I’ll do a medialog entry for this and Shaman soon but my favorite tracks are Bel Air, That Way, and UNLOVEU. The back half is just soooo good and I love the vocals.

Megan and Sophia are my biases, I just liked the Megan cover more.

06.

I’ve been reading a lot more lately too. As of writing this post, I’ve read something like 12.5 books this year if you include DNF titles. At about ~2 books per month that doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s certainly made a difference!

I’ve been so inspired to write more. They say a good writer is a good reader, and I wholeheartedly agree.

Besides books I’ve also been reading the news more recently. I’m pivoting away from online sources like reddit and moving back to longform publications like my local newspaper, The Atlantic, and The National Review, all of which I read for free at the library. They also sell old copies of magazines for a quarter each, which is how I bought the April⁴ and August 2026 issues of NR. I keep checking to see if The Atlantic issue will pop up for sale soon.

It’s been so nice highlighting and taking notes directly in the magazine. My plan is to read different articles and write notes on them, which I’ll aggregate into a blog post. For example I’m reading August news now, which I’ll post sometime in September. Then in October I’ll read the September news.

I think staying a step behind news as it comes out is probably healthier. I am less reactionary to current events and more focused on learning and digesting information. It also gives me time to read through things at a slower pace than if I was trying to keep up in real time.

Notes on an April 2026 NR article about the Trump executive order disavowing gender-affirming care for minors.

This renewed interest in politics and current events made me reflect on my own beliefs and how they’ve changed, which you can read about in my recent blog post, “Why I Don’t Criticize Right-Wing Politics”. I was very chuffed at the warm comments it’s received so far!

As far as creative writing goes I’ve been working on a fanfic for most of this year and it’s felt really nice to get back into my OG fandom and ships.⁵

I’ve been doing a lot of brainstorming for my original stories too, but it’s a lot harder jumping into those. I purchased How to Write a Novel by Joanna Penn on sale on Kobo; I plan on reading it soon to find some “exploratory” writing exercises that will help me take the plunge.

07.

Despite all of my housekeeping efforts and extracurriculars, I’ve been really struggling mentally as of late. My anxiety has been downright awful. I think my new job is really doing a number on me—it’s great money⁶ but the social aspect has been really difficult. I’m also having problems with some office people who continually complain no matter what I do. I guess that’s just part of working as a grunt in a hierarchical establishment like that. I mean, I’m the guy who scrubs toilets. I don’t really count for much in the grand scheme of things.

Thankfully I already had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist, who wrote me a new prescription on top of my existing antidepressants. These are fast-acting anxiety meds I take twice a day. I’ve already noticed a difference which is really nice, and this week I’m going up from 5mg to 10mg.

I’m just trying to take things one day at a time. I’ve been sick the past three days and actually called in to work today. The part of me always yearning for optimization and productivity is struggling, but I think my brain and body needed the downtime. I pretty much slept through most of Saturday and Sunday.

I went to the library twice in the past couple weeks, and both times it helped so much. I definitely want to make an effort to go there more frequently throughout the week. It really helps my mental state.

08.

Aside from all of that, I’ve got a lot of webdev plans.

I’m focused less on this site now that I’m writing lots. There’s still lots of stuff I want to do around here, but I want to focus on posting more frequently for awhile instead of just intermittently tweaking random bullcrap lol.

My website for trans men, transmen.online is in dire need of attention. I want to rework the entire backend so I can start posting for real. It’s just a lot of busy work that I’ve been procrastinating. I’ve also got several member profiles that I need to update. I’ve also been hanging on to my “transsexual.zone” domain and want to build something with that (probably a webring for binary dysphoric transsexuals, akin to transmen.online). I bought another domain, “bombu.blog”, to act as an archive/landing page for my Buddhist practice and studies.

Aside from those three I was inputting random stuff into Porkbun because I’m obsessed with buying domains and saw a few “transmed” domains for sale. I went ahead and bought “transmed.wiki”. My plan is to build a little wiki for transmedicalism, explaining the ideology, the spectrum of viewpoints within it, and debunk common misconceptions. I’m really excited!

09.

All that being said, I’ve got a lot of stuff to keep me busy. Things are hard right now but I know I’ll get through it just like everything else I’ve been through. Writing all of this out certainly helped!

I hope you’re doing well and thank you for reading. <3

footnotes.