Testosterone: 5 years
Top surgery: pre-op
Bottom surgery: pre-op
Out: 10+ years
Stealth: from 2021-(?)
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Resources for trans people, mostly FTM stuff. Updated intermittently.
Websites and archives I use to find research material. If you know if any sites not listed here, please let me know via e-mail or my guestbook.

This is my landing page for everything relating to my transition and gender identity, as well as my thoughts on trans politics/discourse as a whole.
These are all my personal experiences and opinions. If you find them of interest and want to discuss more, feel free to hit me up via my guestbook or e-mail. I'm always willing to chat!







I'm pre-op and I've been on T for about 5 years. I've known I was trans since the sixth grade. I came out to different members of my family over the course of several years. In 2018 I started T for the first time, but stopped after three months as I wasn't ready to come out full0time. In 2020 I came out full-time and started T again, and I've been on it since.
I went stealth in 2021. After spending so many years struggling with my identity and dysphoria, I wanted to finally enjoy simply being a man. I have decided to "come back out" so to speak for various reasons, both personal and political. I'm still stealth in my day-to-day life, but this website is my first step toward reclaiming my trans identity!
[Add transition timeline page link later]
For more on my personal story/transition, you can read these blog posts:
I only refer to myself as a trans(sexual) man/male, as well as FTM (female-to-male). I don't like to use the terms transmasc or queer when referring to myself, and I ask that others don't refer to me as such.
These distinctions in vocabulary are very important to me. The terminology that I use explicitly establishes my manhood and maleness, and carries historical and cultural significance in the history of trans men, which in my observation has been overruled in recent years by utilizing generalized umbrella terms like "transmasc" or (even worse) "AFAB".
These terms are fine in their own contexts and communities but fail to adequately describe my own gender identity and transition, and in my opinion leaves trans men such as myself in positions of being wrongly categorized, under the implication that our manhood is unequal to that of cis men and inherently more aligned with non-male identities and therefore analogous to our birth sex.
For more on my thoughts about certain terminology, etc:
In 2023, the local Planned Parenthood I went to for HRT got bombed with a Molotov cocktail, resulting in millions in damages which forced the clinic to shutdown. During the lapse in my healthcare my testosterone levels went unmonitored, and I began suffering severe complications after they (unbeknownst to me) got too high.
I developed a bad case of vaginal atrophy, which manifested in severe pelvic and urinary pain and eventually lead to two diagnoses: Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, which causes chronic pain in the pelvic muscles and nerves, and Interstitial Cystitis, a chronic bladder condition.
I started having symptoms in September of 2023, and didn't get diagnosed until December; I didn't find any relief until March of 2024. I spent six months in debilitating pain and became incredibly depressed, with my dysphoria worsening by the day. As you can imagine, I also struggled with new angst surrounding my transition. Something that had thus far brought me genuine self-love and self-actualization—at the cost of various personal hardships and sacrifices—was now the source of emotional, physical, and mental pain; the solution to my problems of gender and identity had instead become a new source of pain and there was no relief in sight.
During the interim between my diagnoses and finding successful treatments, I dropped my T dosage down to a minimal level only found at the very start of transitioning—and by then I was nearly four years on with HRT. I even began contemplating coming off of T entirely—which would effectively halt my transition, and in some areas even reverse it.
I persevered, though, and managed to find a treatment plan that works for me. Eventually I'll write up a new page for this site going into more details. I think it's important to share this story because these sort of "transition gone wrong" narratives are hard to find, especially in good faith. I felt incredibly alone and isolated when I went through all of this, and I don't want anyone else to feel the same. If anyone reading this, especially trans men and transmasc people on T, is going through something similar, please feel free to reach out to me!

Some of these works have been formative in my own thoughts; others, I disagree with wholeheartedly.
Nevertheless, all of these texts provide valuable insights into trans rhetoric, as well as its intersections with other modes of thought (e.g., feminist, lesbian, gay, economic, etc).
- Transgender Studies Reader, vol. I & II
- Transgender Warriors
- Advide for the Female-to-Male Transsexual and Crossdresser
- FTM: Female-to-Male Transsexuals in Society
- Female Masculinity
- Hung Jury
- The Posttranssexual Manifesto
- Queer Dharma, vol. I & II
I'm really passionate about preserving FTM history, culture, and thought, with an emphasis on maintaining binary trans male spaces, ideas, and testimonies. I have plans to eventually create an FTM webring, as well as trans-specific sites on my main domain, xavierhm.com.
[Add more later]
Given certain beliefs that I hold, people often assume I'm a transmed; and to some degree, they are correct. But to call myself a transmedicalist point-blank, without elaborating on this school of thought and how it aligns with my own ideas/experiences would be disingenuous.
First and foremost, the definition of transmedicalism is often misconstrued. At its basest layer, transmedicalism posits that the trans experience is precipitated by—and therefore predicated upon—the presence of gender dysphoria.
Dysphoria varies from person to person and exists within a broad gradient of experiences. There are also different components of gender dysphoria. They are most commonly referred to as: mental, social, and sex.
The former two are primarily concerned with things like self-image, social status, cultural roles/expectations, aesthetic choices, methods of identification such as pronouns and gendered terms, etc. Mental and social dysphoria intersect with many different phenomena of psychological and sociocultural natures: it is the internal made external and the external made internal; it is multi-faceted and multi-dimensional; it is revealed in the interactions between the individual self and others.
Sex dysphoria, on the other hand, is one-dimensional and fixed upon an individual's physical body and how well it matches their self-concept. The most concise definition would be:
- long-term, persistent, and pervasive discomfort with the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics associated with your AGAB, matched by the inverse feelings toward the sex characteristics associated with the opposite of your AGAB
- the desire to physically transition through surgery and/or HRT in order to address this dissonance between identity and physical sex by modifying primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
According to transmedicalism, trans people, by definition, exhibit all three components of gender dysphoria (mental, social, and sex) to a clinically significant degree.
This definition is an important ontological distinction from other methods of articulating the trans experience, which tend to only include mental and social dysphoria. Examples of such criteria are: the presence of gender euphoria (i.e., a trans man's joy at being perceived as a man) without corresponding gender dysphoria (i.e., a trans man's discomfort at being perceived as a woman), gender nonconformity, non-normative gender presentations/roles/interests, etc. Within the purview of transmedicalism, these phenomena are not qualifying enough on their own without sex dysphoria.
Under transmedicalism, dysphoria exists in totality, and each component manifests in relation to each other; to that end, mental and social dysphoria are the result of a misaligned physical sex, and physical transition is its natural conclusion.
Everything else—the time of dysphoria onset, whether or not sex reassignment surgery is required to be "fully" trans, the inclusion of nonbinary people in the trans community or lack thereof, the severity of dysphoria, etc—is determined by personal opinion, subjective experience, and community consensus, which is outside the scope of transmedicalism's founding thesis.
This is just a loose illustration of the foundational tenets behind transmedicalism. In short: to be trans is to be gender dysphoric. That is, if you believe being trans = having gender dysphoria, congratulations, you are also a transmed.
Transmedicalism, or at least how I engage with the philosophy, is not so much about denying the gendered experiences of others, but rather reconfiguring definitions, labels, and gendered qualia to reflect are more specific and accurate schematic of non-normative gender identities, wherein emphasis is rightly returned to the delineation of sex-based dysphoria.
To learn more about my views on transmedicalism, you can continue reading this essay on my blog: